Being Compassionate to Yourself

A woman showing self-compassion by hugging herself.

Have you ever taken a moment to examine how you treat yourself? Have you noticed your inner dialogue? If we could separate ourselves into two parts, we would find that these two parts communicate with each other. This inner relationship is similar to the ones we have with others and can be either positive or negative. A negative internal relationship can become damaging or even abusive. If you haven't yet considered how you relate to yourself, I encourage you to take some time to reflect on your self-treatment. This reflection can bring the awareness you need to make changes in the way you treat yourself, allowing you to enjoy your life more fully.

Being Aware of How You Treat Yourself

Self-awareness is the ability to look inward and examine how we treat ourselves. The greater your understanding of your relationship with yourself, the higher your level of self-awareness will be. As your self-awareness grows, you will cultivate more compassion for yourself, leading to increased feelings of happiness and well-being. This self-compassion acts as a shield, protecting you from mistreatment by others. When you treat yourself kindly, you become less sensitive to the negative treatment you may receive from others. If someone criticizes you, speaks harshly, or tries to belittle you, you’ll recognize that their behavior is about them, not you.

Compassion and Self-Talk

To better understand how you treat yourself, consider what happens in a conversation between two people. When they speak, their words can be either kind or unkind. In the case of an argument, if they become angry, their communication can turn harmful and abusive. However, communication encompasses more than just the spoken words. It also includes tone of voice, gestures, and facial expressions. For instance, imagine someone yelling at you while frowning, appearing very angry. This non-verbal language can amplify the spoken words, making them more intense and impactful. 

Your happiness is closely linked to how you communicate with yourself. The language you use, the tone of your inner voice, your internal facial expressions, and your gestures all influence your sense of well-being. Often, depressed and anxious individuals treat themselves poorly, which contributes to their unhappiness. Unfortunately, they may lack awareness of their self-talk, believing their emotions stem solely from external events, when in reality, they are more shaped by their internal dialogue. 

An Example of a Lack of Compassion

One day, I bought strawberries and kiwis from the supermarket. When I got home and opened the package, I discovered that both the strawberries and the kiwis were spoiled. Since it was late, I decided to return to the supermarket the following day to return the fruits.

The next day, I placed the spoiled fruits in a bag and went to my car. However, once inside the car, I realized that I didn’t have the wallet with the credit card I had used to make the purchase. So, I returned home to grab my purse.

After getting back in the car and driving to the supermarket, I suddenly remembered that I had nearly arrived but had forgotten the receipt at home. This happens to me often because of my ADHD, and even though it’s a common occurrence, I still struggle to cope with it. I learned at an early age that it’s my fault when I forget things, which made me feel angry and frustrated.

I decided to visit another supermarket, where I was sure I would find higher-quality fruit. After parking and getting out of the car, I took the bag containing the spoiled fruit and tossed it into a trash can in front of the new supermarket.

Being aware of how I felt, I realized that I was angry at myself. My frustration with myself for forgetting the receipt at home made the whole situation much worse than it was. I had lost the money I paid for the fruit, and I also wasted time due to my forgetfulness. However, the worst part of all was not accepting myself.  

My experience with the spoiled fruits raises an important question: Should we strive for perfection to accept ourselves? Can we truly embrace ourselves despite our mistakes and flaws? Developing self-compassion enables us to accept ourselves as we are. It allows us to navigate situations where we make unintentional mistakes. 

Three Ways of Showing Compassion to Yourself

There are three key ways I can practice self-compassion regarding the spoiled fruits.

First, I recognize and forgive the harsh and critical mindset I developed towards myself. My impatience today reflects the scolding and criticism I experienced in my childhood for not meeting others' expectations. These early experiences led to feelings of frustration and anger directed at myself. By cultivating compassion for my younger self, I can understand that my current treatment of myself stems from how I was treated during my childhood. I didn’t choose to treat myself this way; instead, I learned it by observing others. The pain from these past experiences remains present today, especially when I find myself being impatient for not acting as I wish I could.

Second, I can acknowledge the loss of money on the spoiled fruits, as well as the time I spent trying to return them to the supermarket. It’s natural to dislike losing money and to want to use our time effectively. Ideally, we would never encounter financial loss or wasted time.

Third, I can empathize with the pain and suffering I create through self-judgment and criticism. The real source of my distress is not the lost money or time, but the anger and frustration I inflict on myself. Accepting myself more fully would have allowed me to handle the situation with greater ease, rather than experiencing a fleeting moment of unhappiness.

Invitation for Self-Reflection

A girl looking at herself in the mirror.

I invite you to reflect on how you treat yourself. Consider the moments when you become judgmental or critical of yourself. Notice the pain that arises when you are unkind to yourself. Try to recall when and how you started treating yourself this way. Show compassion towards those early experiences that caused you pain, as well as to the events that led to frustration and the negative self-talk that follows when you act contrary to your values and preferences.

Cultivating self-compassion leads to greater happiness. Many people believe that happiness comes from achieving goals, acquiring wealth, or finding love. While these factors can enhance your well-being, they won't lead to true happiness if you don't accept yourself as you are. It's important to remember that self-acceptance shouldn't depend on your external achievements. Instead, it involves how you handle life's challenges and accept your humanity.